Putting Boundaries Around Our Steps...Forward Focused Steps!

We've been discussing the warning signs that might indicate a need for boundaries....


RECAP:
The first post in this series addressed the need to know when our yes to one good thing is really a no to the better thing.  Proper boundaries give us the direction we need to say yes to what God has planned for us instead of being distracted by the shiny objects that can distract us from that plan.


The second in our series discussed the need to use expectations to form boundaries that keep us from jumping onto the paths of others, helping them achieve success but abandoning our personal path to success.  


The third boundary discussed was how to ask questions and guide those in our lives towards ownership of their problems and away from dependency on us to 'fix' the problems for them.  

Let's wrap up this series with a deeper understanding of why boundaries are a good thing!  

An initial response to the idea of putting boundaries in place is typically 'limitation'!

'Boundaries limit what I can do or where I can go. 

And anyone with goals and dreams will naturally have a negative reaction to 'limitations'!

Alright then, lets explore that thought.  By definition, limitation means a restriction of range or scope, and one could easily argue that this is exactly what a boundary does, restricts me; and success is all about dreaming  without limitations.  Fair enough.  It's the image of running free in a field, blue skies, green grass and a horizon that goes on forever.  It's my life and the sky is the limit!

I can see myself there now, running with the wind in my hair, arms unbound and raised with excitement.  I run toward all of the flowers growing wild in the field, finding joy in each one I stop to smell.  Day after day, running free, enjoying all that this life has to offer.  Year after year, running towards whatever attracts my attention without restrictions.  Ultimately, running and jumping myself into....exhaustion.

On the other hand...what if I approached this 'skies the limit' perspective with a few boundaries.  Instead of running free to this side of the field and the next, running to smell every flower, following every butterfly that catches my eye, what if I identify the side of the field I desire to see the most and focus on only the flowers and butterflies that lead me in that direction.  I may change the side of the field I want to reach at any point, or reach my original destination and set course for a new one, but I keep focused on the one direction until I am ready to make that change.

If that image doesn't work for you, how about this visual of why boundaries are good.  

Bowling.  

I've only bowled a few times in my life, but even so I know that the goal is to get the highest score possible by rolling a ball in one direction and knocking down as many pins in that one roll as possible.  I do NOT get points if my ball goes into another lane and knocks down one or all of the pins.  If I roll a strike in another person's lane, that person gets the points...not me!

Thank goodness for the gutters!   YES....I said thank goodness for the gutters.  They clearly define what lane I'm supposed to be playing in and they keep my ball going forward in my lane and out of everyone else's lanes!  If I roll a gutter ball, I get another chance to try again.

That said, if I want to help someone else get a strike, it's my choice.  When my children were younger we would sometimes play in adjoining lanes...kids playing with kids and us adults playing with adults.  Occasionally one of my youngest children would ask me to help them get a strike, usually when they were being slaughtered by the older children on the score board.  It was fine for me to hop over to their lane to help them, teaching them some technique at the same time, but eventually I needed to give them back the ball so they could enjoy the thrill of success on their own.

And how about bumper bowling!  Oh Ya...that was always my favorite. Not being very good at bowling, I found great joy in having those bumpers in place to keep my ball in my lane so I was sure to knock down a pin or two with every toss.  Those bumpers (boundaries!) were there for a reason, encouraging success and a desire to keep playing the game when I might otherwise be inclined to give up.

Just in case my metaphor isn't 'striking' a chord, let me try it this way:

Boundaries~

• Like gutters, they keep our efforts in our lane of business and out of the lanes of other people's business. 
• Like gutters, they define the lanes clearly and we can choose to change lanes for a moment to help others get better at the game, but not lose sight of our own lane in the meantime. It's o.k. to help and encourage and teach, but eventually (sooner rather than later) we need to quickly give the ball back so others can roll their own balls with success in their own lane.  
• Like bumper pads, they protect us from wasted efforts.  All work and action has a result that increases success.  Sometimes the result is learning what does not work, sometimes the result is identifying what we need to learn to do better and sometimes the result is a strike!

So is a boundary a limiting factor?  

You know what...I think it might be.  

Boundaries limit the chaotic activity in my life 

that will result in exhaustion and unmet goals or expectations.  

Sometimes limitation is a good thing.  

Let's Get There One Step at a Time

Copyright© 2012 Just One Step at a Time

What do you think about boundaries?  Do you have some firmly established or are you more inclined to fun free? 


 We'd love to be encouraged, so leave a comment, with or without your name!  

Putting Boundaries Around Our Steps (part 3)...the Fixer

As we discuss the third warning sign that we may need to put some boundaries in place, let's remember that boundaries are not put in place to limit our success but to direct it and make it forward moving / purposeful! 


RECAP:
The first post in this series addressed the need to know when our yes to one good thing is really a no to the better thing.  Proper boundaries give us the direction we need to say yes to what God has planned for us instead of being distracted by the shiny objects that can distract us from that plan.


The second in our series discussed the need to use expectations to form boundaries that keep us from jumping onto the paths of others, helping them achieve success but abandoning our personal path to success.  


Warning sign #3 ~
You might need a boundary if...
you believe you are responsible for the problems / issues of people in your life or that it is your responsibility to resolve the outcomes for their bad choices.  


Ah, the boundary-less life of a fixer!  You might be a 'fixer' if:

• When others come to you with their problems, you immediately begin giving advice on how to fix them, even if they didn't ask.  
• You seem to be the 'go to' person for everyone in your life when they have a problem and want it fixed.  
• You are burned out by all of the issues of running a business and are ready to throw in the towel because it's just to hard and you're not getting ahead.  (for those with families, the words 'running a business' could also be replace with 'being a mother / wife')

Being a 'fixer' isn't limited to our business lives.  As a fixer, we typically see our tendencies to take on the problems of others in every aspect of our lives, including family and friends.  

This inclination comes from a place of good intention.  

We desire to help others.  

We are very capable people and want to make life easier for others 

with a goal to see them be successful.  

Eventually, a fixer comes to a place of total burn out.  

As a 'fixer' myself, I'll share with you some boundaries that I learned to put in place that helped me.  And yes...I found these boundaries only after I crashed and burned after years of living without boundaries!

• Stop. If you are a fixer, chances are that you have trained those in your life that they can come to you to for 'fixing' so they don't have to do all of the hard work themselves.  The first boundary needed is learning how to stop yourself from doing what comes naturally.  As people come to you, before you offer advice, help or solutions, ask yourself this question:  "Did I cause this problem or is this issue a result of this other person's lack of action or a consequence of a bad choice they made in the past?"  The only answer that warrants you taking action on their behalf is 'yes...I caused this problem.'.  
• If your answer is anything other than 'my fault'....continue with the following boundary building! 
• Ask.  Develop a series of questions you can begin asking the person that has come to you that will help guide them to taking ownership of fixing their problem.  Here are some suggestions to get you started:
• What do you think is the cause of this problem? ~Keep asking this question until they own the problem.  As long as a person sees themselves as a victim in their problem, they will not be able to stop expecting others to fix it for them.  Even a problem that is a result of someone else doing them wrong,. ownership can be achieved by identifying boundaries that are needed to keep this from being repeated in their lives /businesses and then taking personal steps towards starting fresh.  
• some typical causes you might guide them identify: 
• a lack of effort 
• a fear of trying new things
• an unwillingness to step outside of a comfort zone
• a need for training
• a need for action based on training already received
• a need for a focused goal 
• a need for boundaries!
• time management issues
• and so many others that we can explore another time!
• Where do you think you might find some answers or ideas to fix this problem? ~ We live in the age of answers.  There is hardly an answer or solution needed that isn't a 'click' away from our computer key board.  If you are building a business that is connected to an established brand (vs a personal start up business), you will most likely find lots of solutions / ideas on their business supporting website.  And don't forget training events, conferences, seminars, self help books...the list is extensive.  It's o.k. for you to nudge them towards the right answer, suggesting some starting places if they seem challenged to know where to start.  It is NOT o.k. to give them a synopsis of what they will find if they were to read it themselves.  A fixer reads it for them and feeds them like a mother bird feeds her chicks.
• One exception is when you offer a training event.  However, even this requires action on the part of the one needing a 'fix'.  If you plan to do a training event, expect (set the boundary) those that need help to come and get the help and not ask you to bring it to them.  
• When are you available for to us to reconnect after you check out some of these ideas for solutions so we can brainstorm an action plan together? ~ Practice this one over and over.  As a fixer, we want to make that list for them!  Our goal is to learn how to encourage them to make their own action plan so they can take ownership of putting it into action.  By setting a time to reconnect, you give them a sense of urgency to take action and set a boundary in place for you to not jump paths and start making an action plan for them.  That said...when you reconnect, you will find great satisfaction in brainstorming ideas with them instead of spoon feeding them the ideas.  

With an action plan in place, set times to follow up, evaluate progress and repeat the steps above as needed.    And most of all...celebrate / reward accomplishments as they occur!  Being a cheerleader and celebrator is much more energizing than being a fixer!  

As you begin to put this boundary in place and into action, you will find your roll as a leader or business builder has new energy and those you are letting 'fix themselves' will become stronger and more prepared for personal success.  It's like exercise.  No one gets stronger and healthier watching others run the treadmill for them.  

A visual I have used in the past is of two treadmills.  

Me on one and the one needing something fixed on the other.  

The one in need looks over and says 'I have this problem'

...and then hits the start button on my treadmill and watches me work up a sweat. 

When the problem is solved, they thank me enthusiastically and walk away, 

leaving me an exhausted mess but still in the same place I was when I started.  

Lots of activity but no forward movement! 

And speaking as a wife and mother of 4, my tendencies to 'fix' things haven't been limited to my business life.  As I learned to put this boundary concept into play in my family life, I began to enjoy my rolls of wife and mother much more.  I found great joy in watching my children become stronger and less dependent, and my relationship with my husband become more joyful and less combative.  The questions are different, but the concept is the same.  Stop jumping in to fix it and Ask them what they think needs to be done.  

Next time we'll conclude our series on boundaries with a closer look at WHY boundaries are NOT a limitation to success but a catalyst.  

Let’s Get There One Step at a Time,

Copyright© 2012 Just One Step at a Time


I'd love to hear what you think!  Are you a fixer like me?  Or...are you one that is drawn to fixers?  What thoughts do you have about boundaries in life as well as business?  

We'd love to be encouraged, so leave a comment, with or without your name!  

Putting Boundaries Around Our Steps (part 2)...People Pleasers

Let's continue addressing the issue of knowing when boundaries are needed to guard our steps, keeping them focused, forward moving and purposeful.

The first post in this series addressed the need to know when our yes to one good thing is really a no to the better thing.  Proper boundaries give us the direction we need to say yes to what God has planned for us instead of being distracted by the shiny objects that can distract us from that plan.

Warning sign #2 ~
You might need a boundary if...
 you feel driven to please people out of fear of rejection.  

We all find ourselves here at some point. We don't intentionally take steps down this path, but it starts with a small side step, followed by another and before we know it, we are taking all of our steps down the paths of others and the path towards our goals and dreams is abandoned.

• Maybe it starts with a new team member calling you several times a day to ask a variety of questions about getting started, and then a month later, the calls have increased when they should have decreased. 
• Maybe you have become the yellow pages for your team members as they all call you to get so n so's phone number. 
• Maybe you are taking on the lion share of work required to pull off a large project or show you have agreed to do with a peer. 
• Maybe your team members have stopped going to any training meetings but call you constantly to be spoon fed the training they missed.  
• Maybe you are driven to answer your cell phone every single time it rings, even during family dinners or outings with the children.  

Some may feel that they are jumping from the path of one to the path of another, and another and back to the first one, then jumping to that other one....you get the picture.   And then one day you fall down, exhausted, throwing your hands in the air, ready to give up because this business just doesn't work.

So what does the boundary for this look like?

I like to call it the boundary of expectations. The challenge is getting over the fear that setting expectations makes you an uncaring, 'mean' person.

If this is your challenge, let me offer a different perspective to help you feel better about setting and living by expectations.

If we never expect others to step up, they never really get strong enough to walk on their own two feet. When we keep stepping in with 'people pleasing' behavior, we are carrying them up their stairs of success.

By setting expectations we can guide them up the steps and are freed up to cheer them on as they conquer each new rung on the ladder of success, and at the same time we are reaching new heights in our own business as well.

Boundary of Expectations:

• Office hours communicated to your team, so they know when you are available to help them without taking away the hours you have allotted to focus on your personal business.  
• When sharing the load of a project or show, start with an agreed upon plan of action...in writing.  Include an 'out' clause...stipulating a change of plans or partners if the original agreement is not honored along the way. 
• A practiced response to questions that they could have easily found online or in a manual in their possession.  Instead of taking lots of time spoon feeding them personalized training, take a couple of minutes to remind them where the training is located and then set an appointment during office hours to follow up with them and see what they learned and what you can clarify for them.  
• Use voice mail!  Let quality time with family or even time you have set aside for yourself remain uninterrupted.  As soon as that time is over, check the voice mail and respond in a timely manner.  

These are just a few ideas to start you thinking about boundaries you might need to establish if your driving force is pleasing people so they will like you, without consideration for success ~ either yours OR theirs.  

And the best part about setting expectations?  

VICTORIES AND CELEBRATIONS! 

When you use these boundaries to guide team members up the ladder of their personal vision of success, allowing them to gain strength and confidence one step at a time, you are now freed up to cheer and praise them for each level of success.  

If you are spoon feeding or doing it for them, you are too tired or frustrated to celebrate and in reality, they know they didn't really do it themselves either and don't feel valid in celebrating.  

Next time we'll discuss the need for boundaries if you are a 'fixer'.

Let’s Get There One Step at a Time,

Copyright© 2012 Just One Step at a Time

Are you driven by a need to please others to be liked?  Is there another scenario that wasn't addressed here but you could use some help with?  Leave a comment and let's chat about it.  If I don't have a suggestion, I'm sure there are others that do!  Feeling shy?  Leave the comment anonymously...it's that easy! 

Or, have you succeeded in putting establishing boundaries of expectaions?  We'd love to be encouraged, so leave a comment, with or without your name!  

Putting Boundaries Around Our Steps (part 1)...Saying No

SOMETIMES WE NEED TO BE SURE WE HAVE 

THE PROPER BOUNDARIES IN PLACE BEFORE WE TAKE A STEP.

Whether you own your own business, have a home based business or work for a boss,  we all need to learn how to establish boundaries.  This is hard for women in particular because we have a strong need to nurture.  This is great for building relationships that are necessary to be successful, but without boundaries we eventually find we are either in over our heads or being walked all over. 

In either case, our steps to success come to a screeching halt if we don’t take some time to evaluate what boundaries are needed. 

This week I thought I'd offer some warning signs that boundaries are needed and how you might go about drawing some necessary lines. 

Today we’ll discuss the ‘no’ boundary! 

You might need some boundaries if….

Saying “no” makes you feel guilty. 

Whether it’s saying no to a business colleague, team member, family member or friend, if you dread having to tell people ‘no’, you probably need a boundary put in place.   

So often we equate saying no to ‘I don’t care about you’.   Do any of these words sound familiar?

• I really need to generate some income this week from my business to help with the bills, but the school/ church / scouts /team  has asked me to volunteer for the (field trip, party, project, etc…) and I feel bad telling them no. 
• SOLUTION:  First…be ready at any time with this rehearsed response: “Thanks so much for thinking of me.  Let me look at my work calendar for the week and get back with you.  I’ll let you know by (fill in blank with a time).”   Now, look at your calendar and establish your work schedule for the week.  Be honest with yourself and determine how much time you need to be on the phone making sales, booking or coaching calls, how much time you need to be conducting business outside the home and when the best time is for each of these things to occur (don’t schedule your call time when you know people won’t be there to answer the phone…that’s not scheduling, that’s passive aggressive avoidance ~ a topic for another day!).  Once you have done that, look and see what time you DO have available and make that promised return call with what you CAN do.  Maybe you can’t do the entire thing that was asked, but you can contribute in a less time consuming way.  Sometimes the ‘no’ boundary is a compromise instead of a slammed door. However, if you really don't have time to say yes at this very moment, that's a perfectly acceptable answer!  Try saying something like "I've looked at all that I am already committed to at this time and have to say no right now, but please let me know what I can help with in the future".  

• If I tell my business colleague or team member I can’t help her  (______fill in blank)  today I’ll be letting her down.  I don’t want to disappoint her but this just isn’t a good time. 
• SOLUTION:  instead of saying ‘no, I can’t do that today’, say "today is not a good time for me but I have the following times available this week (list times).  Which one works for you?"  

   

• The  family / husband / kids want me to be available for them at a moment’s notice and I feel so guilty telling them I have to work.  The whole reason I took a work at home job was to be more available for my family and saying no means I’m not a good wife/mom. 
• SOLUTION: Once again, scheduling is key (I promise I’ll be writing about this very important topic soon!) Just like a job away from the home, there are hours you must work and hours you are off.  Make sure you have off hours scheduled and keep them.  Now, instead of saying ‘no’, you can say , “I can’t go to or do (fill in blank here) right this minute, but I’m off work at xxx time and we will go to / do (fill in blank here) then.”   Enjoy the fact that  you don’t have to ask a boss to take that time off but don’t let your life be all ‘off time’ and no ‘income earning time’. 

Here's the thing about saying ‘no’.   

Even when we say ‘yes’ to something, we are still saying ‘no’ to something else. 

Unless you're sitting around with hours and hours of spare time every single day, when we say ‘yes’ to one person, project or activity, we’ve said ‘no’ to whatever else might have also wanted or needed that same time slot. 

If we don’t have boundaries in place, we say ‘yes’ to whatever is begging for our attention at the moment.   Unfortunately, the things in our face at the moment may not actually be the thing that is most important to us.  It might be a ‘good’ thing, but a ‘very good' thing was just told no by our yes to something else.  

I can tell you that this was a big lesson for me to learn in the early days of building my first company.  Can you guess what was the loudest, most obnoxious and needy thing in my life at that time?  Yep, the growing business.  A business that was started to help pay bills and bring some financial security to our family…a good thing. 

At the same time, can you guess what ‘very good thing’ I was constantly saying  no to as I said yes to the demanding needs of the business?   Family.  If you asked me during that time what was most important to me, I would have said ‘family’ without hesitation.  And if you asked my family if they understood why I was so busy all the time, they would have said yes.  However, if you asked my family if they ever felt neglected or not as important to me as the business, they also would have said yes. 

Did they complain?  No.  Never.  They understood and just surrendered to what seemed to be an unavoidable consequence of starting a company.

Eventually I began to see I was silently telling my family ‘no’ more times than I should and quickly learned how to be mindful of what was behind me so I could be more purposeful with my yeses and nos. 

So what's the boundary needed when we feel guilty saying no to ‘good things’? 

A rear view mirror 

that makes us look around in all directions 

before taking a step forward! 

Next time we’ll talk about necessary boundaries when we are driven by a need to please others.

Let’s Get There One Step at a Time,

Copyright© 2012 Just One Step at a Time

Do you struggle with guilt from saying no?  Is there another 'no' scenario that wasn't addressed here but you could use some help with?  Leave a comment and let's chat about it.  If I don't have a suggestion, I'm sure there are others that do!  Feeling shy?  Leave the comment anonymously...it's that easy! 

Or, have you succeeded in putting a boundary around your 'no' issue?  We'd love to be encouraged, so leave a comment, with or without your name!