Putting Boundaries Around Our Steps (part 3)...the Fixer

As we discuss the third warning sign that we may need to put some boundaries in place, let's remember that boundaries are not put in place to limit our success but to direct it and make it forward moving / purposeful! 


RECAP:
The first post in this series addressed the need to know when our yes to one good thing is really a no to the better thing.  Proper boundaries give us the direction we need to say yes to what God has planned for us instead of being distracted by the shiny objects that can distract us from that plan.


The second in our series discussed the need to use expectations to form boundaries that keep us from jumping onto the paths of others, helping them achieve success but abandoning our personal path to success.  


Warning sign #3 ~
You might need a boundary if...
you believe you are responsible for the problems / issues of people in your life or that it is your responsibility to resolve the outcomes for their bad choices.  


Ah, the boundary-less life of a fixer!  You might be a 'fixer' if:

• When others come to you with their problems, you immediately begin giving advice on how to fix them, even if they didn't ask.  
• You seem to be the 'go to' person for everyone in your life when they have a problem and want it fixed.  
• You are burned out by all of the issues of running a business and are ready to throw in the towel because it's just to hard and you're not getting ahead.  (for those with families, the words 'running a business' could also be replace with 'being a mother / wife')

Being a 'fixer' isn't limited to our business lives.  As a fixer, we typically see our tendencies to take on the problems of others in every aspect of our lives, including family and friends.  

This inclination comes from a place of good intention.  

We desire to help others.  

We are very capable people and want to make life easier for others 

with a goal to see them be successful.  

Eventually, a fixer comes to a place of total burn out.  

As a 'fixer' myself, I'll share with you some boundaries that I learned to put in place that helped me.  And yes...I found these boundaries only after I crashed and burned after years of living without boundaries!

• Stop. If you are a fixer, chances are that you have trained those in your life that they can come to you to for 'fixing' so they don't have to do all of the hard work themselves.  The first boundary needed is learning how to stop yourself from doing what comes naturally.  As people come to you, before you offer advice, help or solutions, ask yourself this question:  "Did I cause this problem or is this issue a result of this other person's lack of action or a consequence of a bad choice they made in the past?"  The only answer that warrants you taking action on their behalf is 'yes...I caused this problem.'.  
• If your answer is anything other than 'my fault'....continue with the following boundary building! 
• Ask.  Develop a series of questions you can begin asking the person that has come to you that will help guide them to taking ownership of fixing their problem.  Here are some suggestions to get you started:
• What do you think is the cause of this problem? ~Keep asking this question until they own the problem.  As long as a person sees themselves as a victim in their problem, they will not be able to stop expecting others to fix it for them.  Even a problem that is a result of someone else doing them wrong,. ownership can be achieved by identifying boundaries that are needed to keep this from being repeated in their lives /businesses and then taking personal steps towards starting fresh.  
• some typical causes you might guide them identify: 
• a lack of effort 
• a fear of trying new things
• an unwillingness to step outside of a comfort zone
• a need for training
• a need for action based on training already received
• a need for a focused goal 
• a need for boundaries!
• time management issues
• and so many others that we can explore another time!
• Where do you think you might find some answers or ideas to fix this problem? ~ We live in the age of answers.  There is hardly an answer or solution needed that isn't a 'click' away from our computer key board.  If you are building a business that is connected to an established brand (vs a personal start up business), you will most likely find lots of solutions / ideas on their business supporting website.  And don't forget training events, conferences, seminars, self help books...the list is extensive.  It's o.k. for you to nudge them towards the right answer, suggesting some starting places if they seem challenged to know where to start.  It is NOT o.k. to give them a synopsis of what they will find if they were to read it themselves.  A fixer reads it for them and feeds them like a mother bird feeds her chicks.
• One exception is when you offer a training event.  However, even this requires action on the part of the one needing a 'fix'.  If you plan to do a training event, expect (set the boundary) those that need help to come and get the help and not ask you to bring it to them.  
• When are you available for to us to reconnect after you check out some of these ideas for solutions so we can brainstorm an action plan together? ~ Practice this one over and over.  As a fixer, we want to make that list for them!  Our goal is to learn how to encourage them to make their own action plan so they can take ownership of putting it into action.  By setting a time to reconnect, you give them a sense of urgency to take action and set a boundary in place for you to not jump paths and start making an action plan for them.  That said...when you reconnect, you will find great satisfaction in brainstorming ideas with them instead of spoon feeding them the ideas.  

With an action plan in place, set times to follow up, evaluate progress and repeat the steps above as needed.    And most of all...celebrate / reward accomplishments as they occur!  Being a cheerleader and celebrator is much more energizing than being a fixer!  

As you begin to put this boundary in place and into action, you will find your roll as a leader or business builder has new energy and those you are letting 'fix themselves' will become stronger and more prepared for personal success.  It's like exercise.  No one gets stronger and healthier watching others run the treadmill for them.  

A visual I have used in the past is of two treadmills.  

Me on one and the one needing something fixed on the other.  

The one in need looks over and says 'I have this problem'

...and then hits the start button on my treadmill and watches me work up a sweat. 

When the problem is solved, they thank me enthusiastically and walk away, 

leaving me an exhausted mess but still in the same place I was when I started.  

Lots of activity but no forward movement! 

And speaking as a wife and mother of 4, my tendencies to 'fix' things haven't been limited to my business life.  As I learned to put this boundary concept into play in my family life, I began to enjoy my rolls of wife and mother much more.  I found great joy in watching my children become stronger and less dependent, and my relationship with my husband become more joyful and less combative.  The questions are different, but the concept is the same.  Stop jumping in to fix it and Ask them what they think needs to be done.  

Next time we'll conclude our series on boundaries with a closer look at WHY boundaries are NOT a limitation to success but a catalyst.  

Let’s Get There One Step at a Time,

Copyright© 2012 Just One Step at a Time


I'd love to hear what you think!  Are you a fixer like me?  Or...are you one that is drawn to fixers?  What thoughts do you have about boundaries in life as well as business?  

We'd love to be encouraged, so leave a comment, with or without your name!  

Putting Boundaries Around Our Steps (part 1)...Saying No

SOMETIMES WE NEED TO BE SURE WE HAVE 

THE PROPER BOUNDARIES IN PLACE BEFORE WE TAKE A STEP.

Whether you own your own business, have a home based business or work for a boss,  we all need to learn how to establish boundaries.  This is hard for women in particular because we have a strong need to nurture.  This is great for building relationships that are necessary to be successful, but without boundaries we eventually find we are either in over our heads or being walked all over. 

In either case, our steps to success come to a screeching halt if we don’t take some time to evaluate what boundaries are needed. 

This week I thought I'd offer some warning signs that boundaries are needed and how you might go about drawing some necessary lines. 

Today we’ll discuss the ‘no’ boundary! 

You might need some boundaries if….

Saying “no” makes you feel guilty. 

Whether it’s saying no to a business colleague, team member, family member or friend, if you dread having to tell people ‘no’, you probably need a boundary put in place.   

So often we equate saying no to ‘I don’t care about you’.   Do any of these words sound familiar?

• I really need to generate some income this week from my business to help with the bills, but the school/ church / scouts /team  has asked me to volunteer for the (field trip, party, project, etc…) and I feel bad telling them no. 
• SOLUTION:  First…be ready at any time with this rehearsed response: “Thanks so much for thinking of me.  Let me look at my work calendar for the week and get back with you.  I’ll let you know by (fill in blank with a time).”   Now, look at your calendar and establish your work schedule for the week.  Be honest with yourself and determine how much time you need to be on the phone making sales, booking or coaching calls, how much time you need to be conducting business outside the home and when the best time is for each of these things to occur (don’t schedule your call time when you know people won’t be there to answer the phone…that’s not scheduling, that’s passive aggressive avoidance ~ a topic for another day!).  Once you have done that, look and see what time you DO have available and make that promised return call with what you CAN do.  Maybe you can’t do the entire thing that was asked, but you can contribute in a less time consuming way.  Sometimes the ‘no’ boundary is a compromise instead of a slammed door. However, if you really don't have time to say yes at this very moment, that's a perfectly acceptable answer!  Try saying something like "I've looked at all that I am already committed to at this time and have to say no right now, but please let me know what I can help with in the future".  

• If I tell my business colleague or team member I can’t help her  (______fill in blank)  today I’ll be letting her down.  I don’t want to disappoint her but this just isn’t a good time. 
• SOLUTION:  instead of saying ‘no, I can’t do that today’, say "today is not a good time for me but I have the following times available this week (list times).  Which one works for you?"  

   

• The  family / husband / kids want me to be available for them at a moment’s notice and I feel so guilty telling them I have to work.  The whole reason I took a work at home job was to be more available for my family and saying no means I’m not a good wife/mom. 
• SOLUTION: Once again, scheduling is key (I promise I’ll be writing about this very important topic soon!) Just like a job away from the home, there are hours you must work and hours you are off.  Make sure you have off hours scheduled and keep them.  Now, instead of saying ‘no’, you can say , “I can’t go to or do (fill in blank here) right this minute, but I’m off work at xxx time and we will go to / do (fill in blank here) then.”   Enjoy the fact that  you don’t have to ask a boss to take that time off but don’t let your life be all ‘off time’ and no ‘income earning time’. 

Here's the thing about saying ‘no’.   

Even when we say ‘yes’ to something, we are still saying ‘no’ to something else. 

Unless you're sitting around with hours and hours of spare time every single day, when we say ‘yes’ to one person, project or activity, we’ve said ‘no’ to whatever else might have also wanted or needed that same time slot. 

If we don’t have boundaries in place, we say ‘yes’ to whatever is begging for our attention at the moment.   Unfortunately, the things in our face at the moment may not actually be the thing that is most important to us.  It might be a ‘good’ thing, but a ‘very good' thing was just told no by our yes to something else.  

I can tell you that this was a big lesson for me to learn in the early days of building my first company.  Can you guess what was the loudest, most obnoxious and needy thing in my life at that time?  Yep, the growing business.  A business that was started to help pay bills and bring some financial security to our family…a good thing. 

At the same time, can you guess what ‘very good thing’ I was constantly saying  no to as I said yes to the demanding needs of the business?   Family.  If you asked me during that time what was most important to me, I would have said ‘family’ without hesitation.  And if you asked my family if they understood why I was so busy all the time, they would have said yes.  However, if you asked my family if they ever felt neglected or not as important to me as the business, they also would have said yes. 

Did they complain?  No.  Never.  They understood and just surrendered to what seemed to be an unavoidable consequence of starting a company.

Eventually I began to see I was silently telling my family ‘no’ more times than I should and quickly learned how to be mindful of what was behind me so I could be more purposeful with my yeses and nos. 

So what's the boundary needed when we feel guilty saying no to ‘good things’? 

A rear view mirror 

that makes us look around in all directions 

before taking a step forward! 

Next time we’ll talk about necessary boundaries when we are driven by a need to please others.

Let’s Get There One Step at a Time,

Copyright© 2012 Just One Step at a Time

Do you struggle with guilt from saying no?  Is there another 'no' scenario that wasn't addressed here but you could use some help with?  Leave a comment and let's chat about it.  If I don't have a suggestion, I'm sure there are others that do!  Feeling shy?  Leave the comment anonymously...it's that easy! 

Or, have you succeeded in putting a boundary around your 'no' issue?  We'd love to be encouraged, so leave a comment, with or without your name!