SOMETIMES
WE NEED TO BE SURE WE HAVE
THE PROPER BOUNDARIES IN PLACE BEFORE WE TAKE A
STEP.
Whether you
own your own business, have a home based business or work for a boss, we all need to learn how to establish
boundaries. This is hard for women in
particular because we have a strong need to nurture. This is great for building relationships that
are necessary to be successful, but without boundaries we eventually find we
are either in over our heads or being walked all over.
In either
case, our steps to success come to a screeching halt if we don’t take some time
to evaluate what boundaries are needed.
This week I
thought I'd offer some warning signs that boundaries are needed and how you
might go about drawing some necessary lines.
Today we’ll
discuss the ‘no’ boundary!
You might
need some boundaries if….
Saying “no” makes you feel
guilty.
Whether it’s
saying no to a business colleague, team member, family member or friend, if you
dread having to tell people ‘no’, you probably need a boundary put in
place.
So often we
equate saying no to ‘I don’t care about you’.
Do any of these words sound familiar?
- I really need to generate some income this week
from my business to help with the bills, but the school/ church / scouts /team
has asked me to volunteer for the
(field trip, party, project, etc…) and I feel bad telling them no.
- SOLUTION: First…be ready at any time with this rehearsed response: “Thanks so much for thinking of me. Let me look at my work calendar for the week and get back with you. I’ll let you know by (fill in blank with a time).” Now, look at your calendar and establish your work schedule for the week. Be honest with yourself and determine how much time you need to be on the phone making sales, booking or coaching calls, how much time you need to be conducting business outside the home and when the best time is for each of these things to occur (don’t schedule your call time when you know people won’t be there to answer the phone…that’s not scheduling, that’s passive aggressive avoidance ~ a topic for another day!). Once you have done that, look and see what time you DO have available and make that promised return call with what you CAN do. Maybe you can’t do the entire thing that was asked, but you can contribute in a less time consuming way. Sometimes the ‘no’ boundary is a compromise instead of a slammed door. However, if you really don't have time to say yes at this very moment, that's a perfectly acceptable answer! Try saying something like "I've looked at all that I am already committed to at this time and have to say no right now, but please let me know what I can help with in the future".
- If I tell my business colleague or team member I
can’t help her (______fill in
blank) today I’ll be letting her
down. I don’t want to disappoint
her but this just isn’t a good time.
- SOLUTION: instead of saying ‘no, I can’t do that today’, say "today is not a good time for me but I have the following times available this week (list times). Which one works for you?"
- The family
/ husband / kids want me to be available for them at a moment’s notice and
I feel so guilty telling them I have to work. The whole reason I took a work at home
job was to be more available for my family and saying no means I’m not a
good wife/mom.
- SOLUTION: Once again, scheduling is key (I
promise I’ll be writing about this very important topic soon!) Just
like a job away from the home, there are hours you must work and hours
you are off. Make sure you have
off hours scheduled and keep them.
Now, instead of saying ‘no’, you can say , “I can’t go to or do (fill in
blank here) right this minute, but I’m off work at xxx time and we will go
to / do (fill in blank here) then.”
Enjoy the fact that you don’t
have to ask a boss to take that time off but don’t let your life be all ‘off
time’ and no ‘income earning time’.
Here's the
thing about saying ‘no’.
Even when we
say ‘yes’ to something, we are still saying ‘no’ to something else.
Unless you're sitting around with hours and hours of spare time every single day, when we
say ‘yes’ to one person, project or activity, we’ve said ‘no’ to whatever else
might have also wanted or needed that same time slot.
If we don’t
have boundaries in place, we say ‘yes’ to whatever is begging for our attention
at the moment. Unfortunately, the
things in our face at the moment may not actually be the thing that is most
important to us. It might be a ‘good’
thing, but a ‘very good' thing was just told no by our yes to something else.
I can tell
you that this was a big lesson for me to learn in the early days of building my
first company. Can you guess what was
the loudest, most obnoxious and needy thing in my life at that time? Yep, the growing business. A business that was started to help pay bills
and bring some financial security to our family…a good thing.
At the same
time, can you guess what ‘very good thing’ I was constantly saying no to as I said yes to the demanding needs of
the business? Family.
If you asked me during that time what was most important to me, I would
have said ‘family’ without hesitation.
And if you asked my family if they understood why I was so busy all the
time, they would have said yes. However,
if you asked my family if they ever felt neglected or not as important to me as
the business, they also would have said yes.
Did they
complain? No. Never.
They understood and just surrendered to what seemed to be an unavoidable
consequence of starting a company.
Eventually
I began to see I was silently telling my family ‘no’ more times than I should and
quickly learned how to be mindful of what was behind me so I could be more
purposeful with my yeses and nos.
So what's the
boundary needed when we feel guilty saying no to ‘good things’?
A rear view
mirror
that makes us look around in all directions
before taking a step
forward!
Next time
we’ll talk about necessary boundaries when we are driven by a need to please
others.
Let’s Get There One Step at a Time,
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